Be Curious, Not Judgmental: The Secret to Effective Life Coaching

As a life coach, it’s paramount for me to create a safe space for my clients where they can express themselves freely without the fear of being judged. The concept of being curious, not judgemental, was introduced to me early in my training on coaching techniques. It’s been through weeks of practice and 1:1 peer coaching sessions that I’ve come to understand the power of being curious instead of judgmental.

In our class on Sunday, I had the opportunity to practice coaching with my peers. I was amazed at how much more I was able to uncover about their situations when I approached the conversation with curiosity instead of judgment. By asking open-ended questions and genuinely seeking to understand their perspective, I was able to gain insights into their challenges that I wouldn't have discovered otherwise.

But it wasn't just about uncovering information. When I focused on being curious instead of judgmental, the solutions and actions that were generated by the end of our coaching sessions were more impactful. My clients were able to buy-in to the solutions more than if I had provided my own insights because they were involved in the process and felt heard.

This takeaway reminded me of the scene from Ted Lasso with Ted and Rupert playing darts. ***spoilers ahead***

It serves as a lesson in being curious, as well as the power of open-ended questions and how they can be more effective in coaching than close-ended ones.

Guys underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said: ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ And I liked that. So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to be belittle me; not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me…who I was had nothing to do with it. Cause if they were curious, they could’ve asked questions. You know?. Questions like: ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted’ To which I would’ve answered: ‘Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten til I was 16 when he passed away.’ Barbecue sauce.

When we approach situations with curiosity, we open ourselves up to new perspectives and ideas. We learn more about others and ourselves, which can lead to greater empathy, understanding, and connection. On the other hand, when we approach situations with judgment, we shut ourselves off from learning and growth. We limit our ability to see things from different angles and make more informed decisions.

Rupert approaching Ted with judgment lead to him underestimating Ted’s ability and experience playing darts, and a bad bet for Rupert.

As coaches, when we strive to lead with curiosity rather than judgment, this approach can lead to remarkable insights and outcomes, we open ourselves up to new perspectives and ideas. By using open-ended questions that allow for a variety of responses, we can encourage deeper exploration and uncover valuable information about our clients' situations and gain valuable insights. This leads to greater empathy, understanding, and connection and more impactful solutions because our clients are involved in the process and feel heard.

On the other hand, when we approach situations with judgment, we shut ourselves off from learning and growth. We limit our ability to see things from different angles and make more informed decisions.

Whether you’re a coach or not, I challenge you to apply this concept in your own life today. The next time you find yourself making assumptions or judgments about someone or something, take a step back and ask yourself, "What else could be going on here?" "What am I missing?" "How can I approach this situation with curiosity instead of judgment?" Let curiosity take the lead and approach them with a fresh and open mind. You might be surprised at what you discover.

References: Bennett, J. (2022, April 15). Be curious, not judgmental: The secret to effective life coaching. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicabennett/2022/04/15/be-curious-not-judgmental-the-secret-to-effective-life-coaching/?sh=5f44b08a1978